You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em And Know When To Fold 'Em

Since my last entry I haven't been as sure as I thought I was. I guess when I run off at the mouth I ought to be able to back it up with my actions. I have been put to the test and failed miserably. I'm kind of retreating and licking my wounds right now. This is probably more of a confession to myself more than anything. You know what though...I'm NOT staying here! I'm gonna get back up and dust myself off and get moving again on the path that I KNOW I am to be on. The hardest part about failure is it tends to hold you captive. It's like it gets stuck to you for a while before you're able to completely shake it off. That's where whomever is reading this comes into play. I sure could use your prayers.

What's REALLY Important

Being out here in Denver all by myself with no former family or friends has allowed me to experience real freedom. The ability to choose what I want to do and who I want to do it with is completely up to me. You know what I have found out? Nothing has changed from when I did have family and friends around! If anything, it has been my personal challenge to choose who I want to be. I have been given a rare opportunity. I am getting a "redo" in life. I have really come to find out who and what is and isn't important. Believe me, I and the Lord know my temptations but I also know that when I am weak HE is strong. Any good thing that I am is because of Him and anything not so good is simply me. I often say that if I acted on my own I would be a mess. I am so thankful for God's provision, direction, and strength but most importantly His love. I feel so small and unimportant in this big city but for some reason when God looks down and sees me He still chooses to love me. It's far beyond my little mind to comprehend. My hope is that I become smaller so that He will become bigger!

What the heck is my problem?

I feel like I am visiting an old friend. It's been so long since I've written. I have so many things going through my head right now that I don't even know where to begin.

I was talking to a very distressed woman on the plane yesterday and she was telling me about all of her problems. She is on antidepressants and sleeping medication and going to a therapist. When I shared the events of my life, especially of the past six months she asked me what I was taking. At that moment I realized how blessed I really am! The Lord has brought me up out of an horrible pit and set my feet upon a rock!! Oh...my...g-o-o-d-n-e-s-s!!! The realization that He cares about little insignificant me is amazing and frightening at the same time. Please don't think, that I think, I'm something special. My hope is that I will take what I have been given and learned and apply it properly. I feel a huge sense of responsibility and accountability. I only want to share what I have been given. That is the sad part. I gave that woman all the tools I have used such as exercise, school, herbal remedies, church, family and friends but I never told her it was God that gave me the wisdom and strength. I feel ashamed of myself. Why is it so hard to tell a complete stranger about God? I'm not ashamed when I KNOW the other person shares my beliefs but when I'm not sure I don't mention Him at all. That makes me a coward! You know what...I'm sick of being a coward! I also don't want to be one of those door knocking, high pressure, repeat these words and your a Christian finatics or one of those holy roller Jesus freaks! I want to be the kind of person that people can see Jesus in me even when I'm not speaking but when the time is appropriate, not be ashamed to share what He has done for me. Again, that old familiar word balance comes to mind. I also need to stop over analyzing people and just share my experience. I guess I need to just be myself and quit worrying about being liked or disliked. That's what it really boils down to is acceptance or rejection. Nobody likes to be rejected because it's painful. Isn't that weird how something intangible from someone we don't even know and possibly don't even like can hurt us. How stupid does that make me?

THANKFULNESS = FULL OF THANKS!!!

This is the over whelming feeling that I have today! I pray that I will continue to be thankful everyday!

Live the change you want to see!

What you think, say or believe will never take the place of what you DO! I am learning to believe people when they show me who they are. I know that we as humans make mistakes. I know that we as humans have flaws in our personalities. I know that we as humans are prone to being human! I'm talking about our choices. I even know that we make bad choices, but we learn from them and the next time the opportunity rolls around you make a better choice. Isn't that how we teach ourselves? Isn't that how we govern ourselves? I'm not trying to be judgmental of anyone out there. I'm speaking directly to myself. I'm beginning a new life and I want the foundation that I'm laying for the construction of my life to be strong and lasting. I am digging deep inside of myself to see who I really am. Some things I like and some things I dislike. The good things I want to keep and the bad things I want to discard or change. This has not been an easy task. The last person we want to look at is ourselves. However, the first person we ought to look at is ourselves! I have always told Sam and Anthony that ultimately we are only responsible for our own selves. That's a big enough job to keep me busy!! As I am learning to believe people when they show me who they are I must keep in mind what I am showing others about myself. Here in lies one of the most important keys to life. It's not what I say...it's what I do! Everyone has heard the old cliche..."talk is cheap"! Well it has never been more true for me. I have been faced with choices that I thought I knew the answers to. I guess I'm being tested to see if I really mean what I say. I have to realize that I have not done wrong by being tempted. I do wrong when I make the choice to follow the temptation. This probably sounds very elementary to everyone else but that's where I am in my life presently. I have found that it is the seemingly insignificant choices that trip me up too!! I guess it only takes a small deviation in the road to cause you to trip and fall. I'd better watch my step! I saw a ring in the store the other day that I want to buy. It says "live the change you want to see". Sounds so simple but not!

Friendship

I couldn't sleep so I decided to get up and write instead of lay there with all of these thoughts tossing around in my head. I was, of course, thinking about all the changes that I have been experiencing over the past couple months. I have realized so much about myself...the good, the bad, and the ugly! I see so much more clearly than I have ever seen. It's funny how you r-e-a-l-l-y can't see the forest for the trees until you back away from it. I have let many relationships fall by the way side trying to save one. I don't regret trying to save my marriage. I regret the manner in which I tried to save it. I sacrificed time with others that love me and wanted to be a part of my life. I am sincerely regretting missed opportunities. I find myself grasping for friendship now. I don't want to be so desperate for friends that I loose focus of who I am and what I am about. I want the new relationships in my life to be complimentary of who I am striving to be. I don't want to exchange the things I know are real and fulfilling due to my neediness of friendship. I know I'm sounding kind of pathetic right now but I hope you are grasping the importance and depth of what I'm saying. Aren't we all looking for the same thing? Friendship is basically extended family right!? Everyone, I don't care who you are, is looking for companionship in one way or another. I think God put that in everyone expecting that we would handle that need with care and with the desire that it would lead us back to Him. He is the author of love and that's what he wants from us. Why do you think that desire is so innate to us? Because that's how we were created. I hope I have the strength to live by the standard that I know will bring me the most!

I know you're not the SamE anymore, but I love you just the same!

I know Samantha and Anthony are the only ones that will probably understand this latest title on my blog. Samantha's 23rd birthday is today. I can't believe IIIII have a 23 y-e-a-r o-l-d child!! Where the heck did the time go? I am so proud of her. Happy, happy birthday my SamE!