I know you're not the SamE anymore, but I love you just the same!

I know Samantha and Anthony are the only ones that will probably understand this latest title on my blog. Samantha's 23rd birthday is today. I can't believe IIIII have a 23 y-e-a-r o-l-d child!! Where the heck did the time go? I am so proud of her. Happy, happy birthday my SamE!

LOVE... what on earth is it?

Anthony and I were just talking and the topic of our conversation was love. We were discussing why and how we love. He had me jot down this short poem. Love is not love that alters, when it alteration finds. Something I just realized is that when you truly love someone circumstances don't alter that love. For instance, as everyone knows by now, Tony and I are seperated and undoubtedly our "circumstances" have changed. Do I not love him anymore? Of course I love him! He doesn't even have to love me back in order for me to love him. You see love is not something anyone can take away from you. Even if they don't want it you have the ability to still possess it. Do you or would you not love your children if they made bad choices or even hurt you? NO! You would be frustrated or angry and not tolerant but you would still love them and realize that they are headed for heartache and struggles but you would never stop loving them. Love is something that you decide to give. It really isn't about the heart but about the mind. It resides in the heart but your mind is where love is born. The thing about love is this...it is not something earned by someone else. Love is about you. Who and what you have decided about yourself. Love is not dependant on the one I love, it is dependant me. I guess that's how we are expected to love our enemies. How can we love our enemies when we can't even love someone close to us the way we should? Love doesn't start with someone else it starts within you. You can decide to love whoever you want. Realize however that when you decide to love another there is always a risk of pain. This is where true love is defined. Are you loving because of what you will receive or are you loving because of what you will give? I think that is the question we need to ask ourselves.

How do I make you feel?

I start my psychology class today and I am terrified! I am waaaay out of my comfort zone. Everything about me, at least the me that I've known, is changing. Changing for the better. I know with the most recent presidential election the word change has become nauseating but please don't allow that word to have a negative overtone in your mind. Stay with me as I delve into the thought that woke me this morning. I was pondering the class I took on Monday and trying to regurgitate the information that had me so enveloped and I couldn't remember all the actual words. What I mostly remember is how the words made me feel. Something inside me recognized and agreed with the things I was hearing and set me ablaze. They felt familiar and comforting, something I haven't felt in a while. Even though I have lots of supportive people around me I am still so lonely. I am ever thankful for my family and all that they have done for me but they still can't fill the void that gnaws at me for my husband. I love him and miss him so very much. That being said, reality is, this is my lot. I have packaged, shouldered and intend to carry this bundle of emotion as I set off to do what I originally intended to do when this whole thing started three months ago. I want to allow God to sculpt me. I am already His child now I want to be His craftsmanship. Just like when I was born into the Williams family. I was a Williams family member but my personality hadn't developed into a Williams personality until I grew up in the presence of the Williams family. I know somebody out there is snickering about being a Williams but I am very proud of my family. I know from experience that we are not forgettable people (in a good way)! Anyway, my thought is, what does everyone back home remember about me? Just like I am trying to recall the actual lecture I had on Monday and cannot, I do remember how it made me feel. This is the concept that stirred me this morning. I have met scores of people in my life and even though I don't remember all the details about every one I can recall how they made or make me feel. How do, or did, I make them feel? What impression have I made on their mind? What stamp of emotion do I stir inside them that is going to surface when the name Christine Eyler is spoken or enters their mind? How do you feel about me right now? I genuinely want fruitfulness in my life and I want to promote fruitfulness in the lives of others. Have I treated you with respect and kindness or have I hurt you in some way? Fruitfulness in me promotes fruitfulness in others as hurtfulness in me promotes hurtfulness in others. These are the changes I was referring to at the beginning of this unending paragraph. I want you, who ever you are, to feel as I did in my class the other day. When you think of me, if you don't feel happy inside, please let me know. In my heart of hearts I want my memory to be one of comfort to you and I will do what ever it takes to change it.