Frankly my dear, I don't give a d***!

May I just indignantly say...I don't care what you know! I care about what you're doing with what you know!!!

Straight from Laurens desktop! (My two year old niece)

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Get balanced and be decisive Christine!

I have several things going through my mind. The best way for me to unload my mind is one thought at a time. My first thought is about my niece Hannah. She has restored my faith in adolescence. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together. She genuinely makes me happy when we talk. I love her ideas and insight on the many topics we've discussed. She even got up at 5:30a.m. the other day to walk and talk with me and she is most definitely NOT a morning person but she was all smiles that day! She is so mature and thoughtful of others. I know where she has learned this, from her mom. Em is THE best single mom on the planet. Her selflessness has proven itself. What better proof is there than a twelve year old that knows how to be sensitive to the needs of others, diligent, content, intelligent and best of all, comical. I appreciate someone that is able to laugh at themselves when they do something silly.

The next thing on my mind is my yoga class. I LOOOOVE my yoga class. My instructor Jen is AA plus! She has really been encouraging me to become an instructor myself. Her words of encouragement have been paramount to my new found success over my emotional struggles. I told her this morning that I have a low self esteem and am not a leader. Her reply was that she never would have suspected I felt that way about myself. She said she has watched me with others and notices how I am always engaging others in conversation and I'm always positive and smiling. At that moment I remembered what Anthony said to me. He said mom, if you were never able to look into a mirror to see the color of your eyes you would have to trust those that saw them to describe what they look like. I have always felt that accepting compliments would make me look haughty or that they were only used to get something from me. I'm rearranging my thinking on that subject. I am going to start believing people when they tell me nice things about myself. It is my responsibility to not let it go to my head. About the instructor thing...I do have an interest but am fearful of failure or that I might loose my enthusiasm or that I can't physically endure. I presently feel like I don't have the mind set. I wonder if I don't need the mind set but rather will develop it along the way? On the other hand I know I'm the kind of person that takes responsibility very seriously. Once I have decided to commit to something I will give it every last part of me. I guess that's why I refuse to become involved with things because my commitment level is off the charts. You know, I just realized something. I am confusing commitment with responsibility. I can't be committed without being responsible but I can be responsible without being committed. I think I need some time to completely digest this.

Something I am practicing is not comparing myself to others. I have a terrible habit of sizing up other women and feeling inferior. They are prettier, thinner, smarter, more successful or whatever I can think of. I have realized where these thoughts come from and am doing everything in my power to snuff them out before they destroy me. Jen (my sister-in-law) said something very profound the other day on the flip side. We were discussing not comparing our weaknesses to others strengths and she said we also should not compare our strengths to others weaknesses. She is absolutely right! The one will make us feel inferior, the other will make us feel superior and neither position is healthy for ourselves or others. I am discovering that balance is the key to a wonderful life.

"Thought" for the day

My day began this morning at 5:00a.m. by waking Emily and Jen so they would join me for Yoga class. We then sat in the sauna for 45 minutes and had great conversation. Today is Hannah's 12th birthday so Emily played hooky from work to prepare for tonights party. Jen and I went shopping this morning and then came home for an afternoon of preparation so I took a nap while Jen did the preparation! I actually did help some by putting Lauren down for a nap. If you ask Jen I think she'll agree, that's an important part of getting everything done. She's so good when she's sleeping! Seriously though, I do love reading to her while she falls asleep beside me. At Hannah's request Emily, Jen and I made apple dumplings and cherry tart pops for her special day. All the girls swam and played then they went ice blocking. For those of you who don't know what that is it is how people in Las Vegas enjoy winter sports in the summer. You sit on a huge block of ice and slide down grassy hills. I know it sounds bizarre but it is quite fun and refreshing in this 104 degree weather. I unfortunately had to work at 5:00p.m. so I was unable to join them. It is now 12:42a.m. and I should be going to bed after working my hind end off tonight but I just felt compelled to recap this day. I love keeping up with my blog. I don't quite know where this new found hobby came from but who cares? I'm enjoying it! I am almost finished my new book "What's On Your Mind?" by John Goetsch. It's about the power of biblical thinking. It's not a lengthy book but it is full of scripture that I like to ponder as I'm savoring his points so it has taken me a week to complete. It has been such a help to me. I feel more empowered in my mind and over my thoughts which in turn affects my actions. Reminds me of one of the best emails I have every received from Deb. It read, watch your thoughts they become words, watch your words they become actions, watch your actions they become habits, watch your habits they become character, watch your character that becomes your destiny. If I could just discipline myself to follow this seemingly easy recipe! It all simply starts with a thought!

Nothing like family!

The festivities began on Friday August 14th. We were greeted by a yard full of balloons and signs and screeching little girls. Kathleen, as usual, had every detail covered. We had plenty of fun, rest, and delicious food. Karl and Kathleen catered to our every whim and had so many fun activities planned. There was swimming, a ping pong tournament (which Neal won), Scrabble and UNO games, crafts for the kids and best of all lots of quality family time. It was nice to spend time with everyone without the weight of daily schedules pulling at us. The kids got along with each other famously. Neal let Tommy, Christine and Armani stay with us for an extra day and I'm so glad they did. I got to spend several hours on the ride home with Tommy and Mani. We had a blast singing and dancing in our seats while Tommy played the air drums! I'm so thankful for the time that I'm able to spend with my nieces and nephews. It's proof that good things can come from bad circumstances. I believe my perspective is genuinely changing. I am looking for and finding blessings all around me. My favorite activity of the weekend was having lunch up on the mountain top. It was so beautiful and serene. I felt like I could melt into the scenery. Surprisingly, I wasn't comforted. I was confused by my emotions at first then I realized why I felt like I had an ice pick in my stomach. It made me miss my life. As beautiful as it was it can't replace my husband and my children. I miss them deeply. On this earth, there is NOTHING more important to me than them.

TRUTH

What is truth? Is truth just a word? Is truth a belief or an idea? Is it something tangible? Is there any such thing as truth at all? Is truth the same for me as it is for someone else? How do I know what truth is? Truth equals awareness. Awareness of what? I always say truth is truth no matter who or where it comes from. The source doesn't matter because truth has already been established, that is the beauty of truth. Even evil people can speak truth. Truth is not something that we can change. It is a law or a fact that we have no control over. We can change our idea of truth but we can't change truth. Don't confuse truth with ones ability to make their own destiny or their own history. Truth is solid and unchanging. It is not one thing for me and another for you. Just because one person might not be consiously aware of truth doesn't void it in any way. It has already been firmly planted or grounded. It doesn't change we change. Truth is solid and just IS! There is truth about different things or subjects. My whole point is this...We don't make truth, we have to find it and let it make us.

Road Blocks or Hurdles?

As I travel the road we call life with all of it's twists and turns I keep questioning my decisions. I was telling Em the other day that I feel like every time I make up my mind about something and start to pursue it I run into a road block. For instance when I started signing up for classes my residency was an issue so I went to get my drivers license changed and their machine broke so I couldn't get it that day. Then I found out that I can't even get selected for the degree I want until the fall of 2010 but first I have to complete all of my general education classes with a B or higher by February 1st which is not possible. These are only a few of the "road blocks" I am referring to. This has had me puzzled and confused about whether or not I am on the right path. I wonder if it's God trying to detour me or the Devil trying to stop me from bettering my life. I realized they may not be road blocks at all but hurdles. I think the difference is not the obstacle but my perspective. If I look at problems as road blocks that is what they will be to me but if I look at them as hurdles simply testing my desires they will actually strengthen me. I have come to the understanding that adversity is the parent of virtue.

Are you lookin' for a fight?

Dave and I were able to catch the UFC fights Saturday night. I never thought I would be able to get off of work in time but I guess all those hungry UFC fans weren't in the mood for pizza. I have to say it made me miss Tony a bunch. Fight night was our special night out and he would always go around saying "Are you lookin' for a fight?" I guess under the current circumstances this probably doesn't sound very endearing but I guess it's one of those "you had to be there" things!

It's just not fair!!!

We are celebrating Olivia's 8th and Elizabeth's 6th birthday today. Jen has created a flip-flop theme. She made a flip-flop cake complete with sand and is serving the chips and pretzels out of beach buckets with shovels. She has fresh sliced watermelon on the side too. I am so envious of her creativity. I'm always picking her brain trying to figure out how she comes up with these amazing ideas and then actually puts them together. I love seeing the activities she has for her groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She's one of those people that I have to learn to stop comparing my weaknesses to her strengths because I feel like a big dummy all day long. I just wish God saw fit to give me just a hint of creativity because it's just not fair!

David the Great!

Yesterday I was getting ready for work and I heard David arrive home. The next thing I heard was all three girls squealing,"Daddy's home! Daddy's home!". I thought how that must be music to his ears and must keep him going strong when he just doesn't feel like it. I'm so impressed with how much he loves his family and how hard he works to provide for them. Everyone at work loves him too. I know that I dread being there when he's not there. He doesn't know it but every time I come back from a delivery the first thing I always do when I'm getting close is check to see if his truck is there. I'm always relieved and even a little excited when I see his truck parked outside. He has really taken me under his wing and watches out for me at work. The other night he called twice when I was delivering late just to "make sure I wasn't in a ditch". He has gotten me unlost, if there is such a word, just about every day. I'm so thankful for him. There's always plenty of laughs when he's around too. This morning he had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt.

Yoga for clarity!

My favorite yoga class is at 5:30a.m. every Tuesday and Thursday with my instructor named Jen. This morning I was the only one in class. I enjoyed it immensely! My instructor was able to give me specialized attention and we did some new balancing poses and stretches. She was impressed with my abilities and suggested I become an instructor myself. I might just consider it because I feel so good after a session. I was especially thankful this morning because after class Jen and I were able to sit and talk for a long time and she gave me some very helpful tips on getting your mind, body and spirit balanced. As I learn more about myself I feel that I am unraveling the tangled web of emotions, thoughts and behaviors that have become me. I am ridding my life of negativity and replacing it with better things. I am learning to look for the good, stop comparing my weaknesses to others strengths, take one day at a time, set smaller more reasonable and attainable goals, and use my head not my emotions to make decisions. Sharing these thoughts is also a help to me because it makes me accountable and therefore more able to make the changes in my life that are so deeply rooted. Thanks to whom ever has taken the time to visit my blog. You're most likely someone very special to me.

Forging Ahead

I have decided to take some classes at CSN. My reasoning for the classes is two-fold. I need to occupy and strengthen my brain since I have neglected that part of my anatomy for so long and secondly, I realize I need a career path. I am intrigued with the psychology classes and would love to take as many as possible. I have a long road ahead and it seems like such a distant dream today but as with any goal there is a starting line and once I start the rest will begin falling into place. I remember the fortune cookie Tony opened on December 31, 2008. It said "just begin, the rest is easy". I think I'll claim it! As I move forward I have this nagging feeling to run away but I know that running away is never the answer. If I'm going to put the effort into running anywhere it is going to be toward my goals not away from my fears. I guess it's all a matter of changing my perspective which is one of the biggest challenges I face.