What the heck is my problem?

I feel like I am visiting an old friend. It's been so long since I've written. I have so many things going through my head right now that I don't even know where to begin.

I was talking to a very distressed woman on the plane yesterday and she was telling me about all of her problems. She is on antidepressants and sleeping medication and going to a therapist. When I shared the events of my life, especially of the past six months she asked me what I was taking. At that moment I realized how blessed I really am! The Lord has brought me up out of an horrible pit and set my feet upon a rock!! Oh...my...g-o-o-d-n-e-s-s!!! The realization that He cares about little insignificant me is amazing and frightening at the same time. Please don't think, that I think, I'm something special. My hope is that I will take what I have been given and learned and apply it properly. I feel a huge sense of responsibility and accountability. I only want to share what I have been given. That is the sad part. I gave that woman all the tools I have used such as exercise, school, herbal remedies, church, family and friends but I never told her it was God that gave me the wisdom and strength. I feel ashamed of myself. Why is it so hard to tell a complete stranger about God? I'm not ashamed when I KNOW the other person shares my beliefs but when I'm not sure I don't mention Him at all. That makes me a coward! You know what...I'm sick of being a coward! I also don't want to be one of those door knocking, high pressure, repeat these words and your a Christian finatics or one of those holy roller Jesus freaks! I want to be the kind of person that people can see Jesus in me even when I'm not speaking but when the time is appropriate, not be ashamed to share what He has done for me. Again, that old familiar word balance comes to mind. I also need to stop over analyzing people and just share my experience. I guess I need to just be myself and quit worrying about being liked or disliked. That's what it really boils down to is acceptance or rejection. Nobody likes to be rejected because it's painful. Isn't that weird how something intangible from someone we don't even know and possibly don't even like can hurt us. How stupid does that make me?

THANKFULNESS = FULL OF THANKS!!!

This is the over whelming feeling that I have today! I pray that I will continue to be thankful everyday!

Live the change you want to see!

What you think, say or believe will never take the place of what you DO! I am learning to believe people when they show me who they are. I know that we as humans make mistakes. I know that we as humans have flaws in our personalities. I know that we as humans are prone to being human! I'm talking about our choices. I even know that we make bad choices, but we learn from them and the next time the opportunity rolls around you make a better choice. Isn't that how we teach ourselves? Isn't that how we govern ourselves? I'm not trying to be judgmental of anyone out there. I'm speaking directly to myself. I'm beginning a new life and I want the foundation that I'm laying for the construction of my life to be strong and lasting. I am digging deep inside of myself to see who I really am. Some things I like and some things I dislike. The good things I want to keep and the bad things I want to discard or change. This has not been an easy task. The last person we want to look at is ourselves. However, the first person we ought to look at is ourselves! I have always told Sam and Anthony that ultimately we are only responsible for our own selves. That's a big enough job to keep me busy!! As I am learning to believe people when they show me who they are I must keep in mind what I am showing others about myself. Here in lies one of the most important keys to life. It's not what I say...it's what I do! Everyone has heard the old cliche..."talk is cheap"! Well it has never been more true for me. I have been faced with choices that I thought I knew the answers to. I guess I'm being tested to see if I really mean what I say. I have to realize that I have not done wrong by being tempted. I do wrong when I make the choice to follow the temptation. This probably sounds very elementary to everyone else but that's where I am in my life presently. I have found that it is the seemingly insignificant choices that trip me up too!! I guess it only takes a small deviation in the road to cause you to trip and fall. I'd better watch my step! I saw a ring in the store the other day that I want to buy. It says "live the change you want to see". Sounds so simple but not!

Friendship

I couldn't sleep so I decided to get up and write instead of lay there with all of these thoughts tossing around in my head. I was, of course, thinking about all the changes that I have been experiencing over the past couple months. I have realized so much about myself...the good, the bad, and the ugly! I see so much more clearly than I have ever seen. It's funny how you r-e-a-l-l-y can't see the forest for the trees until you back away from it. I have let many relationships fall by the way side trying to save one. I don't regret trying to save my marriage. I regret the manner in which I tried to save it. I sacrificed time with others that love me and wanted to be a part of my life. I am sincerely regretting missed opportunities. I find myself grasping for friendship now. I don't want to be so desperate for friends that I loose focus of who I am and what I am about. I want the new relationships in my life to be complimentary of who I am striving to be. I don't want to exchange the things I know are real and fulfilling due to my neediness of friendship. I know I'm sounding kind of pathetic right now but I hope you are grasping the importance and depth of what I'm saying. Aren't we all looking for the same thing? Friendship is basically extended family right!? Everyone, I don't care who you are, is looking for companionship in one way or another. I think God put that in everyone expecting that we would handle that need with care and with the desire that it would lead us back to Him. He is the author of love and that's what he wants from us. Why do you think that desire is so innate to us? Because that's how we were created. I hope I have the strength to live by the standard that I know will bring me the most!

I know you're not the SamE anymore, but I love you just the same!

I know Samantha and Anthony are the only ones that will probably understand this latest title on my blog. Samantha's 23rd birthday is today. I can't believe IIIII have a 23 y-e-a-r o-l-d child!! Where the heck did the time go? I am so proud of her. Happy, happy birthday my SamE!

LOVE... what on earth is it?

Anthony and I were just talking and the topic of our conversation was love. We were discussing why and how we love. He had me jot down this short poem. Love is not love that alters, when it alteration finds. Something I just realized is that when you truly love someone circumstances don't alter that love. For instance, as everyone knows by now, Tony and I are seperated and undoubtedly our "circumstances" have changed. Do I not love him anymore? Of course I love him! He doesn't even have to love me back in order for me to love him. You see love is not something anyone can take away from you. Even if they don't want it you have the ability to still possess it. Do you or would you not love your children if they made bad choices or even hurt you? NO! You would be frustrated or angry and not tolerant but you would still love them and realize that they are headed for heartache and struggles but you would never stop loving them. Love is something that you decide to give. It really isn't about the heart but about the mind. It resides in the heart but your mind is where love is born. The thing about love is this...it is not something earned by someone else. Love is about you. Who and what you have decided about yourself. Love is not dependant on the one I love, it is dependant me. I guess that's how we are expected to love our enemies. How can we love our enemies when we can't even love someone close to us the way we should? Love doesn't start with someone else it starts within you. You can decide to love whoever you want. Realize however that when you decide to love another there is always a risk of pain. This is where true love is defined. Are you loving because of what you will receive or are you loving because of what you will give? I think that is the question we need to ask ourselves.

How do I make you feel?

I start my psychology class today and I am terrified! I am waaaay out of my comfort zone. Everything about me, at least the me that I've known, is changing. Changing for the better. I know with the most recent presidential election the word change has become nauseating but please don't allow that word to have a negative overtone in your mind. Stay with me as I delve into the thought that woke me this morning. I was pondering the class I took on Monday and trying to regurgitate the information that had me so enveloped and I couldn't remember all the actual words. What I mostly remember is how the words made me feel. Something inside me recognized and agreed with the things I was hearing and set me ablaze. They felt familiar and comforting, something I haven't felt in a while. Even though I have lots of supportive people around me I am still so lonely. I am ever thankful for my family and all that they have done for me but they still can't fill the void that gnaws at me for my husband. I love him and miss him so very much. That being said, reality is, this is my lot. I have packaged, shouldered and intend to carry this bundle of emotion as I set off to do what I originally intended to do when this whole thing started three months ago. I want to allow God to sculpt me. I am already His child now I want to be His craftsmanship. Just like when I was born into the Williams family. I was a Williams family member but my personality hadn't developed into a Williams personality until I grew up in the presence of the Williams family. I know somebody out there is snickering about being a Williams but I am very proud of my family. I know from experience that we are not forgettable people (in a good way)! Anyway, my thought is, what does everyone back home remember about me? Just like I am trying to recall the actual lecture I had on Monday and cannot, I do remember how it made me feel. This is the concept that stirred me this morning. I have met scores of people in my life and even though I don't remember all the details about every one I can recall how they made or make me feel. How do, or did, I make them feel? What impression have I made on their mind? What stamp of emotion do I stir inside them that is going to surface when the name Christine Eyler is spoken or enters their mind? How do you feel about me right now? I genuinely want fruitfulness in my life and I want to promote fruitfulness in the lives of others. Have I treated you with respect and kindness or have I hurt you in some way? Fruitfulness in me promotes fruitfulness in others as hurtfulness in me promotes hurtfulness in others. These are the changes I was referring to at the beginning of this unending paragraph. I want you, who ever you are, to feel as I did in my class the other day. When you think of me, if you don't feel happy inside, please let me know. In my heart of hearts I want my memory to be one of comfort to you and I will do what ever it takes to change it.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a d***!

May I just indignantly say...I don't care what you know! I care about what you're doing with what you know!!!

Straight from Laurens desktop! (My two year old niece)

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Get balanced and be decisive Christine!

I have several things going through my mind. The best way for me to unload my mind is one thought at a time. My first thought is about my niece Hannah. She has restored my faith in adolescence. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together. She genuinely makes me happy when we talk. I love her ideas and insight on the many topics we've discussed. She even got up at 5:30a.m. the other day to walk and talk with me and she is most definitely NOT a morning person but she was all smiles that day! She is so mature and thoughtful of others. I know where she has learned this, from her mom. Em is THE best single mom on the planet. Her selflessness has proven itself. What better proof is there than a twelve year old that knows how to be sensitive to the needs of others, diligent, content, intelligent and best of all, comical. I appreciate someone that is able to laugh at themselves when they do something silly.

The next thing on my mind is my yoga class. I LOOOOVE my yoga class. My instructor Jen is AA plus! She has really been encouraging me to become an instructor myself. Her words of encouragement have been paramount to my new found success over my emotional struggles. I told her this morning that I have a low self esteem and am not a leader. Her reply was that she never would have suspected I felt that way about myself. She said she has watched me with others and notices how I am always engaging others in conversation and I'm always positive and smiling. At that moment I remembered what Anthony said to me. He said mom, if you were never able to look into a mirror to see the color of your eyes you would have to trust those that saw them to describe what they look like. I have always felt that accepting compliments would make me look haughty or that they were only used to get something from me. I'm rearranging my thinking on that subject. I am going to start believing people when they tell me nice things about myself. It is my responsibility to not let it go to my head. About the instructor thing...I do have an interest but am fearful of failure or that I might loose my enthusiasm or that I can't physically endure. I presently feel like I don't have the mind set. I wonder if I don't need the mind set but rather will develop it along the way? On the other hand I know I'm the kind of person that takes responsibility very seriously. Once I have decided to commit to something I will give it every last part of me. I guess that's why I refuse to become involved with things because my commitment level is off the charts. You know, I just realized something. I am confusing commitment with responsibility. I can't be committed without being responsible but I can be responsible without being committed. I think I need some time to completely digest this.

Something I am practicing is not comparing myself to others. I have a terrible habit of sizing up other women and feeling inferior. They are prettier, thinner, smarter, more successful or whatever I can think of. I have realized where these thoughts come from and am doing everything in my power to snuff them out before they destroy me. Jen (my sister-in-law) said something very profound the other day on the flip side. We were discussing not comparing our weaknesses to others strengths and she said we also should not compare our strengths to others weaknesses. She is absolutely right! The one will make us feel inferior, the other will make us feel superior and neither position is healthy for ourselves or others. I am discovering that balance is the key to a wonderful life.

"Thought" for the day

My day began this morning at 5:00a.m. by waking Emily and Jen so they would join me for Yoga class. We then sat in the sauna for 45 minutes and had great conversation. Today is Hannah's 12th birthday so Emily played hooky from work to prepare for tonights party. Jen and I went shopping this morning and then came home for an afternoon of preparation so I took a nap while Jen did the preparation! I actually did help some by putting Lauren down for a nap. If you ask Jen I think she'll agree, that's an important part of getting everything done. She's so good when she's sleeping! Seriously though, I do love reading to her while she falls asleep beside me. At Hannah's request Emily, Jen and I made apple dumplings and cherry tart pops for her special day. All the girls swam and played then they went ice blocking. For those of you who don't know what that is it is how people in Las Vegas enjoy winter sports in the summer. You sit on a huge block of ice and slide down grassy hills. I know it sounds bizarre but it is quite fun and refreshing in this 104 degree weather. I unfortunately had to work at 5:00p.m. so I was unable to join them. It is now 12:42a.m. and I should be going to bed after working my hind end off tonight but I just felt compelled to recap this day. I love keeping up with my blog. I don't quite know where this new found hobby came from but who cares? I'm enjoying it! I am almost finished my new book "What's On Your Mind?" by John Goetsch. It's about the power of biblical thinking. It's not a lengthy book but it is full of scripture that I like to ponder as I'm savoring his points so it has taken me a week to complete. It has been such a help to me. I feel more empowered in my mind and over my thoughts which in turn affects my actions. Reminds me of one of the best emails I have every received from Deb. It read, watch your thoughts they become words, watch your words they become actions, watch your actions they become habits, watch your habits they become character, watch your character that becomes your destiny. If I could just discipline myself to follow this seemingly easy recipe! It all simply starts with a thought!

Nothing like family!

The festivities began on Friday August 14th. We were greeted by a yard full of balloons and signs and screeching little girls. Kathleen, as usual, had every detail covered. We had plenty of fun, rest, and delicious food. Karl and Kathleen catered to our every whim and had so many fun activities planned. There was swimming, a ping pong tournament (which Neal won), Scrabble and UNO games, crafts for the kids and best of all lots of quality family time. It was nice to spend time with everyone without the weight of daily schedules pulling at us. The kids got along with each other famously. Neal let Tommy, Christine and Armani stay with us for an extra day and I'm so glad they did. I got to spend several hours on the ride home with Tommy and Mani. We had a blast singing and dancing in our seats while Tommy played the air drums! I'm so thankful for the time that I'm able to spend with my nieces and nephews. It's proof that good things can come from bad circumstances. I believe my perspective is genuinely changing. I am looking for and finding blessings all around me. My favorite activity of the weekend was having lunch up on the mountain top. It was so beautiful and serene. I felt like I could melt into the scenery. Surprisingly, I wasn't comforted. I was confused by my emotions at first then I realized why I felt like I had an ice pick in my stomach. It made me miss my life. As beautiful as it was it can't replace my husband and my children. I miss them deeply. On this earth, there is NOTHING more important to me than them.

TRUTH

What is truth? Is truth just a word? Is truth a belief or an idea? Is it something tangible? Is there any such thing as truth at all? Is truth the same for me as it is for someone else? How do I know what truth is? Truth equals awareness. Awareness of what? I always say truth is truth no matter who or where it comes from. The source doesn't matter because truth has already been established, that is the beauty of truth. Even evil people can speak truth. Truth is not something that we can change. It is a law or a fact that we have no control over. We can change our idea of truth but we can't change truth. Don't confuse truth with ones ability to make their own destiny or their own history. Truth is solid and unchanging. It is not one thing for me and another for you. Just because one person might not be consiously aware of truth doesn't void it in any way. It has already been firmly planted or grounded. It doesn't change we change. Truth is solid and just IS! There is truth about different things or subjects. My whole point is this...We don't make truth, we have to find it and let it make us.

Road Blocks or Hurdles?

As I travel the road we call life with all of it's twists and turns I keep questioning my decisions. I was telling Em the other day that I feel like every time I make up my mind about something and start to pursue it I run into a road block. For instance when I started signing up for classes my residency was an issue so I went to get my drivers license changed and their machine broke so I couldn't get it that day. Then I found out that I can't even get selected for the degree I want until the fall of 2010 but first I have to complete all of my general education classes with a B or higher by February 1st which is not possible. These are only a few of the "road blocks" I am referring to. This has had me puzzled and confused about whether or not I am on the right path. I wonder if it's God trying to detour me or the Devil trying to stop me from bettering my life. I realized they may not be road blocks at all but hurdles. I think the difference is not the obstacle but my perspective. If I look at problems as road blocks that is what they will be to me but if I look at them as hurdles simply testing my desires they will actually strengthen me. I have come to the understanding that adversity is the parent of virtue.

Are you lookin' for a fight?

Dave and I were able to catch the UFC fights Saturday night. I never thought I would be able to get off of work in time but I guess all those hungry UFC fans weren't in the mood for pizza. I have to say it made me miss Tony a bunch. Fight night was our special night out and he would always go around saying "Are you lookin' for a fight?" I guess under the current circumstances this probably doesn't sound very endearing but I guess it's one of those "you had to be there" things!

It's just not fair!!!

We are celebrating Olivia's 8th and Elizabeth's 6th birthday today. Jen has created a flip-flop theme. She made a flip-flop cake complete with sand and is serving the chips and pretzels out of beach buckets with shovels. She has fresh sliced watermelon on the side too. I am so envious of her creativity. I'm always picking her brain trying to figure out how she comes up with these amazing ideas and then actually puts them together. I love seeing the activities she has for her groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She's one of those people that I have to learn to stop comparing my weaknesses to her strengths because I feel like a big dummy all day long. I just wish God saw fit to give me just a hint of creativity because it's just not fair!

David the Great!

Yesterday I was getting ready for work and I heard David arrive home. The next thing I heard was all three girls squealing,"Daddy's home! Daddy's home!". I thought how that must be music to his ears and must keep him going strong when he just doesn't feel like it. I'm so impressed with how much he loves his family and how hard he works to provide for them. Everyone at work loves him too. I know that I dread being there when he's not there. He doesn't know it but every time I come back from a delivery the first thing I always do when I'm getting close is check to see if his truck is there. I'm always relieved and even a little excited when I see his truck parked outside. He has really taken me under his wing and watches out for me at work. The other night he called twice when I was delivering late just to "make sure I wasn't in a ditch". He has gotten me unlost, if there is such a word, just about every day. I'm so thankful for him. There's always plenty of laughs when he's around too. This morning he had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt.

Yoga for clarity!

My favorite yoga class is at 5:30a.m. every Tuesday and Thursday with my instructor named Jen. This morning I was the only one in class. I enjoyed it immensely! My instructor was able to give me specialized attention and we did some new balancing poses and stretches. She was impressed with my abilities and suggested I become an instructor myself. I might just consider it because I feel so good after a session. I was especially thankful this morning because after class Jen and I were able to sit and talk for a long time and she gave me some very helpful tips on getting your mind, body and spirit balanced. As I learn more about myself I feel that I am unraveling the tangled web of emotions, thoughts and behaviors that have become me. I am ridding my life of negativity and replacing it with better things. I am learning to look for the good, stop comparing my weaknesses to others strengths, take one day at a time, set smaller more reasonable and attainable goals, and use my head not my emotions to make decisions. Sharing these thoughts is also a help to me because it makes me accountable and therefore more able to make the changes in my life that are so deeply rooted. Thanks to whom ever has taken the time to visit my blog. You're most likely someone very special to me.

Forging Ahead

I have decided to take some classes at CSN. My reasoning for the classes is two-fold. I need to occupy and strengthen my brain since I have neglected that part of my anatomy for so long and secondly, I realize I need a career path. I am intrigued with the psychology classes and would love to take as many as possible. I have a long road ahead and it seems like such a distant dream today but as with any goal there is a starting line and once I start the rest will begin falling into place. I remember the fortune cookie Tony opened on December 31, 2008. It said "just begin, the rest is easy". I think I'll claim it! As I move forward I have this nagging feeling to run away but I know that running away is never the answer. If I'm going to put the effort into running anywhere it is going to be toward my goals not away from my fears. I guess it's all a matter of changing my perspective which is one of the biggest challenges I face.

From country mouse to city mouse

I enjoyed my stay in Kentucky but found that it is very possible for a woman to go crazy when all alone in such a secluded place. I had to weigh out the pros and cons of moving to Vegas and obviously Vegas won. I have enjoyed the company of all my family members. Everyone has been such a blessing. They have all come together to help me get back up. I am so grateful for all of them. Emily, David, Jen, and Loni have gone to special lengths to encourage me through these changes in my life. I am so very thankful for all of their support. Anthony has been my very best friend through all of this. If it was not for him Kentucky may have been, quite literally, my final resting place. I miss the serene countryside and working on my home but I came to the realization that it is nothing without someone to share it with.


When I first arrived Emily and I took a road trip to Idaho to visit Hannah and Katie. They worked all day making welcome signs and curly paper stuck all over the house for us. I loved their crooked nosed dog named Spanky. It was so good to see the girls. They are so opposite yet both so beautiful! We need to figure out a way to get a trampoline for Katie. She had so much fun and I enjoyed watching her play. She reminds me a lot of me. She hates to stay inside and craves the outdoors. Hannah is just like Emily - wholesome and intelligent. I finally got to meet the infamous Sariah! She is indeed as wonderful as Emily has been saying all these years. Their family is right out of a text book! They were so welcoming and hospitable. Their home is situated right next to the most beautiful waterfall. I was able to sit out in the shade of their apricot tree with the sunshine on my feet and watch two quails playing for hours while I read and listened to the clucking of their chickens. I thought I died and went to Heaven! I can honestly say I didn't want to leave. I don't think their family completely understood how much I appreciated and admired them.
I was able to finish "Catch Me If You Can" by Frank Abagnale. If you want a good read this is the one. I never thought I would end up rooting for the "bad guy". I believe he was extremely gifted but completely immature, irresponsible and selfish. He had so much to offer but couldn't get outside of himself. It's such a shame when someone with so much talent squanders it away. I think he finally turned his life around and I would love to read that book if he ever decides to write it. I am currently looking for another good book so if anyone has any suggestions let me know.

My health is improving daily. I have been taking some herbs from Herbally Grounded and have gone to some more-than-amazing classes there. I have been learning so much and actually applying the things that I've learned. I guess I have come to the understanding that knowledge is nothing without application. I have been running every morning, taking yoga classes and working out at the gym as well. You would think that I looked like Miss America by now but I was in worse shape than I realized!

I have been enjoying Olivia, Elizabeth and Lauren. They keep me occupied and entertained especially on days when I am down. I got up this morning all sweaty and thought I had a really bad hot flash then I realized Lauren had peed on me in her sleep last night! Olivia and Elizabeth came down stairs this afternoon with their cookbook and announced to their mom they were going to make smoothies. They didn't have one ingredient that they needed so Olivia said she could ride her bike to the store and buy them! Does she not know she lives in Las Vegas?? The girls make me smile even when I don't feel like it.